drifting along.

got this one from aica.
Ask me three questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want.

 

 

 

 

how did I come to be like this. I'd always believed in what was right, that despite my shortcomings and failures I'd stay the course, or more accurately, find it. but this, this isn't it. now I'm falling apart. now I'm digging my own grave,sealing my own fate. now I'm collapsing in on the very foundations I thought I'd built strong enough. it's maddening. it's being torn apart at the seams, the very fabric of my own being ripped to shreds. and it's me who's doing it. unable to leave the path I've found myself on. for fear of offending sensibilities, for fear of being discovered. never had I imagined myself capable of being in this situation, with the possibilty of ruining the lives of others if someone finds out.

just a little more time, I tell myself, just a little more and things can go back to normal..

 

Dave Matthews Band - Say Goodbye

So here we are tonight,
You and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see
What's on my mind
You've got me wild
Turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping
up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way
I do now
Now let's make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
just for an evening
When we make
our passion pictures
You and me twist up
Secret creatures
And we'll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends

Go back to being friends
But tonight let's be lovers,
We kiss and sweat
We'll turn this better thing
To the best
Of all we can offer, Just a rogue kiss
Tangled tongues and lips,
See me this way
I'm turning and turning for you
Girl, just tonight

Float away here with me
An evening just wait and see
But tomorrow go back to your man
I'm back to my world
And we're back to being friends
Wait and see me,
Tonight let's do this thing
All we are is wasting hours until the sun comes up it's all ours
On our way here
Tomorrow go back to being friends

Go back to being friends
Tonight let's be lovers, say you will
And hear me call, soft-spoken whispering love
A thing or two I have to say here
Tonight let's go all the way then
Love I'll see you,
Just for this evening
Let's strip down, trip out at this
One evening starts with a kiss
Run away

And tomorrow
Back to being friends
Lovers...love...lovers
Just for tonight, one night...love you
And tomorrow say goodbye.

no song could be more appropriate.

 

 

 

 

there's a certain something about you. maybe it's the way you talk. maybe it's the way we relate to each other. maybe it's how you carry yourself. maybe it's all those things and more. maybe it's how we kiss.. and you know what? it excites me.

its refreshing to find someone to talk to on the level that I haven't experienced with most of the people in our office, as if you're a diamond in the rough, a needle in the haystack. we've known each other almost 2 years yet only now have experienced this level of closeness that we didn't even really consider before. we're both thankful for finally getting to know each other this well, for having someone to confide in, for having a shoulder to lean on, for having a hand to hold (when no one's looking).

 

it's like finding that possible partner, only it's at the wrong time.

 

 

where do we go from here?

when without a single blow you bring me to my knees..
crumbling, falling..
like the walls surrounding my heart..

where do we go..

when I suddenly realize..
that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me
and now you want to leave?

where..

will I find myself without you,
when by myself I always lose my way..
when I always lose..


where do we go from here?

one of the worst feelings in the world has got to be the thought of no longer being with the one you've loved from day one. when a big fight happens, she starts talking a certain way, like she's no longer yours, like there's a distance between the two of you that wasn't there before.



you start to feel that cold feeling in the pit of your stomach, as though the living breath in you is draining away. every happy moment you spent together flashes before your eyes in an instant, much like the way they say happens when you have a near-death experience. in a way, this is similar to that, you feel your life coming to an end right here and now...

*note: this has been a long time in writing, only managed to post it now.



it's been quite some time since I blogged here, and a lot has happened since. things are over between me and her, we're both going our separate ways.

it was just time to pack up and leave.

they say "parting is such sweet sorrow", that couldn't be more true in this case. sweet, because it gives me a new lease on life, new opportunities, and freedoms I hadn't had in quite a while. sorrow because, well, for obvious reasons.

so much time, effort, and above all, emotion was invested. packing up the emotional baggage, I think, is the hardest part when breaking up. after a certain point, we get used to having that person around. suddenly, they're not there anymore. suddenly, there's this big empty void in your life that you're not sure you can get used to.

sometimes, it's the fear of change that makes some people, like me, initially hold on. you've grown too comfortable and too used to having that someone in your life, to "being tied down", that any drastic change is bound to make us come running back to the person. suddenly, having too much free time and not having to "report for duty" doesn't have the appeal that it initially does. some may even compare it to withdrawal symptoms, like a regular smoker who decides to quit. at first, he feels the instant benefits: no more foul smell, less coughing, a general feeling of wellness. after a while though, the sickness comes, the craving, the lack of something you've grown so familiar with.

I think thats the most crucial time and point. if you don't stick it out, you fall back in the same pattern, you rediscover your old love/habit, enjoy the good old days. then reality sinks in. the same negatives that pushed you apart in the first place rear their ugly heads again. and you regret giving things another shot.

time has a way though of throwing things back into perspective.

if you were lucky enough to withstand the withdrawal symptoms, after a while, you get to feel the long term benefits. you find yourself breaking free of the old shackles, losing little by little the emotional baggage and just feeling...free.

I was one of those fortunate enough to be able to stick it out. Viewing things from an objective point of view helped me realize that things really weren't going to work out. It was a painful realization at the time, but now I can honestly say it was for the best. I no longer have to worry about who's flirting with her and vice versa, no longer have to deal with her mood swings, no longer have to hear harsh words come out of her mouth when we fight.

now, I'm able to wake up and breathe easy.

now, life has regained its appeal.

and for the first time in a long time I feel...happy.

I've become the person I told myself I'd never be.


help me turn back.